This post is going to be somewhat of a see-saw post. I guess it doesn’t make sense, I’m saying I have a fear of social media, but here I am, starting a blog, that is going to be shared on social media… and I want to work in social media… it doesn’t make sense, I know!
Let me explain…
I guess it started off in school, when social media starting becoming a thing. The number of followers you had, or how many likes you got, determined how popular you are. (gross). I hated this. I hated the pressure of needing to get likes, or your worth being down to numbers on a screen. It’s a joke.
However, after a while, I didn’t let this bother me, but I still hated how social media was a huge thing. I remember in high school (and kinda still to this day), my twitter started gaining quite a few followers and people in my school would follow me… I instantly blocked them. To this day, if I know you personally, unless you are close to me, I won’t let you follow my twitter. I guess this is because I like to openly post about myself, and if strangers on the internet judged me, I wouldn’t care. However, if people I knew judged me, I would freak out. I’d also tweet about my mental health a lot (if you scroll back far enough, you will see how I was in a really bad stage), and I didn’t want anyone finding out about this. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was struggling. But I am way more open about my mental health nowadays, so that is something I am not super bothered about. Twitter was also my outlet. Somewhere you get my thoughts out. I needed an outlet, without being questioned.
"Social Media Has Created Jealous Behaviour Over Illusions."
At this point you’re probably thinking this is somewhat logical, and not so much a fear, but this just Twitter, a place where you can hide your true identity if you wanted to. The biggest fear was Facebook and Instagram. To this day, this is still kinda true.
Facebook… oh Facebook. A place full of people from middle school, upper school, college, university, work… everywhere. Everywhere that I am physically in. Everywhere I am in, meaning everyone that was in them. EVERYONE. This includes bullies. Which is where the fear came in. I would be SO scared to post to Facebook, because if I said anything, it’s more material for people to pick on me for. So I just wouldn’t post. I would occasionally update my profile pictures, or upload some photography pictures, but actually posts were near to non-existent. It got to the point where I couldn’t even post a ‘Happy Birthday’ post on someones wall, I’d have to message them privately or just not say it at all. Now, I don’t even see any of the people that made me feel like I was worthless anymore, but I can say they have certainly left a permanent fear in me.
This takes us to this current day. If you have me on any social media, you’ve probably noticed that I have dramatically stopped posting. I hardly ever tweet anymore, and I don’t upload to Instagram daily anymore. Why? you might ask… theres many reasons for this.
Firstly, I found myself starting to get OBSESSED with the numbers. I needed more followers. I needed more likes. I needed more views. I needed more online attention. This isn’t healthy. Posting was no longer fun. It was more of a chore. I was obsessing over what would make the best image or tweet. I wasn’t living.
Secondly, I was spending way too much time on my phone just scrolling. I could have been spending my time doing way better things, but I would let hours go by, just scrolling. This wasn’t healthy either.
So I ‘quit’ social media for a while. I just stopped posting entirely. And let me tell you, it was the best thing I have ever done. It was so refreshing. During that time, I lost 2000,
yes, TWO THOUSAND twitter followers. This would have normally bothered me loads, but honestly, I DIDN’T CARE. It was amazing to know I was no longer obsessed with my follower number. I also deleted around 900 people off my Facebook. My Facebook is now just people I actually like and I am comfortable with, so if I ever want to post on there, I won’t have the anxiety of being judged.
So finishing it off, am I still scared of social media? The simple answer is… yes. I am scared I will become obsessed again. I am scared of being judged. But at the same time, I also don’t care.
We shall see. I might end up quitting it entirely, or I may fall back in love with it. Only time will tell.